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A Wallflower Girl

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Not sure yet.... [14 Feb 2015|11:34am]
Wow. I still remember my password. Lol. I'm just relaxing at home while I wait for my son, Vincent, to get home from visiting his grandparents and decided that I dearly missed my old friends who felt so much like family to me. Somehow this journal came to mind when I thought of those friends. I may not see them often, sometimes not even once a year, but they are constantly on my mind. Even if our relationships have dissolved, I still couldn't stop loving them. I don't ever find good reasons to hate anyone, because there is no good reason for hating someone. I always hope for wonderful things for all the people I used to know, and those I still kind of know. My heart is full today, which for some strange coincidence, happens to be Valentines day. I don't put much stock in holidays with little significance, but I happen to be in a loving mood.
I am alone here. Normally, Vincent is with me or I am cleaning, or Isaiah gets home and all thinking stops. Ha. I never really seem to take time to stop and allow my brain time to wander. I am happy that I have this moment. I love you. All of you that I have known, all of you who have helped shape me into the person that I am today. You will always have my heart.
I miss those days where I had someone to talk to. Thank you for those wonderful memories that warm my heart today. It has given me the strength to live another day, doing the best I can, even if I am only significant in my small family's lives now, and even if I am just a stay at home mom.
Comments: Write A Song.

[19 Aug 2011|11:09am]
[ mood | content ]

So I saw 500 days of Summer in theaters when it came out but all I remembered from it was that Zooey Deschannel's character was an evil b**** and I ended up deciding I hated the movie. Lol. Anyway, we Netflixed it and I saw it minus the end again and still hate her character, but I really do like the movie. I had forgotten a lot of the great parts in it like forgetting about the good aspects of a relationship and only focusing on the bad. I think it's because I've... Had... A... SIMILAR experience with a male version of Summer, so the movie totally frustrates me and makes me want to punch her in the face for torturing the poor guy. Haha... Well, that's all.

Comments: Write A Song.

[17 Aug 2011|01:21pm]
March 30th, 2008. That was the moment I saw you and I allowed you to see me for the first time. You kissed me and I pretended I was sleeping so that you wouldn't have to explain yourself. I've been quiet since then, so you wouldn't have to explain yourself. I am understanding and patient because I love you, care about you, and I never want to hurt you. I hurt you all the time unintentionally, as it is, so I don't want to do it consciously. But you don't seem to have much problem hurting me intentionally and unintentionally. And I let you. I have never been fully blind to all of your indiscretions, I just give allowances that you never ask for because I think you have too much on your plate. You're not made of glass. If I leave you, you won't be faced with great harm. You'll get over me with any other girl you want. So maybe it is for me that I ignore your lies? You think I can't see through them? I see through every one. I know when you are with her. I know when you aren't truly with me even when we're in the same room. I get very jealous. But what right do I have to get jealous? We have never been what I have wanted all these years. You have made sure that I have no right. Maybe 3 years isn't that long, but for me, I have been faithfully yours that entire time, so to me, it feels much longer. For you, you don't remember what it is to be a loyal lover. Why would I want you now when you've proven you aren't the man I fell in love with? You've proven only that you aren't who I thought you could be. You told me you wanted to be the man in black, so I treated you like him because I had faith in you to be who you wanted to be. I thought that you really wanted that, but it turns out you never truly wanted to be him. You can be anyone you want to be. I see who you are now, though, and I never would have pictured you as this man. The man who constantly lies to me but still takes care of me. You used me until I was no good for you or anyone else anymore. You ruined me. I'm only fit for you, and you don't want me. You're half good and half bad now. I'm terrified to see which part of you will emerge after everything has been said and done. So why should I continue to give my heart to you? Just to make up for the hurt I caused you? Just to make up for the pain, I should continue loving you? You know, it's not like I really have a choice anyway, to be honest. I am yours now, have been, and forever will be. It's not something I am capable of changing. The real question is, can I let you go knowing all this? I know I need to. You may miss me at first, nothing close to the way I will miss you, but you'll get over me quick enough. I won't get over you that fast and I know I will suffer. But how can I eventually find someone who will love me like I deserve if I don't get over you somehow? Pain, for me, is inevitable.
Why can't you love me? That's what I wonder. You have told me multiple times that women can have whatever they want of a man, but that's not true at all. All I want as a woman, of you, a man, is to love me like I love you and to be mine, faithfully, forever. I don't think it is too much to ask for you to be my "love and loyal friend, until the end," as suggested by romantic love songs like Tal Bachman's "Beside You." That's not too much to ask. We all deserve it. Neither of us are that young anymore as it is. You are 27 years old, I will be 26 this September. When SHOULD we grow up? I guess you don't want to, so I should leave you to figure that out on your own. Maybe when I grow up, you'll see how happy I can be and want that too. Most likely, however, you'll just replace me with her and she'll make you feel less depressed about losing me. And she'll be your girl because you don't want to lose anyone else. I can see it all now. And I can hate you for it now too. But I can never hate you, can I?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Comments: Write A Song.

Wishing i were religious... [10 Jun 2011|02:43pm]
The Soul Stirrers - Stand By Me Father

Oh Father, You've been my friend
Now that I'm in trouble
Stand by me to the end, oh Lord
I want You to stand by, stand by

Well, all of my money and my friends are gone
Lord, I'm in a mean world
And I'm so all alone, oh Lord
I need You, Jesus, stand by, stand by

Well, they tell me
That Samson killed in ancient times
I know that You helped him kill
Ten thousand Philistines, oh Lord
Whoa, I need You, stand by, stand by

Here's another thing
They tell me that they put Daniel
Down in the lion's den
I know You went down there, Father
You free Daniel once again

That's why I said, oh Lord
Do me like You did Daniel
And stand by, stand by

Well, sometimes I feel
Like the weight of the world
Is on my shoulders and it's all in vain
When I begin to feel weak along the way
You come and You give me strength again, oh

The Hebrew children have been in fire
Ten times hotter that it ought to be
Just like You delivered them, Father
I know You can deliver me, oh Lord
I'm calling You, Jesus, stand by, stand by

When I'm sick, Father
Stand by me
When the doctor walk away from my bedside
Stand by me, Father

When it seem like I don't have a friend
I wonder will You be my friend?
Stick closer than my brother
Stand by

Oh Father, You've been my friend
Now that I'm in trouble
Stand by me to the end, oh Lord
Comments: 1 Written Song - Write A Song.

[17 Mar 2011|06:22pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I am currently at work, suffering from boredom and quite a bit of pain. Heh... The pain is due to the fact that I have not had a break today, or a lunch, nor do I even expect one. My feet hurt, my back hurt, and I feel so sleepy. I must be getting old. How amazingly sad. I am merely 25. You know, it's strange. I really expected more from myself when I was younger. I thought life would be easier. I figured that, by now, I would be married with at least one child, maybe two by now. I have never really cared about my job. I guess I am a bit old fashioned. If it were possible, I would be satisfied being a stay at home parent. I guess many people would probably love that idea, even though for most it is not practical. I wish it were. I wish I could do that. I want to learn how to cook, and eventually home school the children I will have. But these are all fine dreams (albeit impractical), but without a husband, completely impossible. I really am not interested in searching for someone. Does that mean I just don't want it enough, or am I lazy? I just want it to happen so natural, like you see in the movies. I truly was poisoned by romantic music and fairy tales in movies and cartoons, and books. I think everything will just come effortlessly. Maybe I really need to change my perspective. Doing that, however, is much harder than it seems. :( I guess I will just have to keep working on that. For now, I will never take anything for granted, and give everything I have and more.

Comments: Write A Song.

[05 Dec 2010|10:49pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I am sad, still. I have little faith that I will ever be happy again. That's not to say I don't have moments of peace. I do sometimes. I just haven't felt very good for the last the months. Well, since September began, that is. It kills me how no one notices. But I try really hard so that they don't notice so I shouldn't really be surprised. I feel like a part of me has disappeared. I have forgotten who I was. I know that can't be good. I can't seem to figure out who I want to be. I have this problem. I am in love. I love him and I shouldn't. He does not love me back, but he sure cares about me. Great. He has said such hurtful things to me. He's great at doing that. The strange thing is, he can also be so sweet, it just baffles me. What is out there for me, I wonder? If not him, then what do I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? I am tired of waiting. I never want to search for it. I don't think I should have to. I think it should come to me and I should work with what I have. I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing too. I'm holding onto what I have and making the best of it. I guess since this appears to be fatal, I should probably move on and find a different attitude. I guess I'm not blind. I'm just stupid. I am holding the answer in my hands, but I just let it go. And that's what I'm going to do. Let it go. But not him.

Comments: 1 Written Song - Write A Song.

[01 Nov 2010|07:05pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I think I have grown to be all around disappointed with my life. Everyday seems to be a struggle unless I have company. I keep quiet about my sorrows and tell no one why I hurt so much. It's awfully frustrating, really

Comments: Write A Song.

If I could fall into apathy I would be... Better. [03 Mar 2010|07:20pm]
I have high hopes for the evening. I am going to make some tasty dinner and drink the night away with my dear friend Isaiah. I believe he is having some friends or at least one friend over. That should be nice. I think I'll make some ribs that have been drowned in bbq sauce. yes. That sounds promising.
I do not know what to do with myself everyday. i really need to find a job. I am wasting away my days being lazy. That has never been my style. Heh... As if I really have a sort of style.
I have decided something today. I have decided that i disagree with the word "Like" and refuse to ever feel it again. I will only love or hate. Liking anything is a waste of time. It doesn't get anyone or anything anywhere. "Like" is for those incapable of committing to an emotional state. They're afraid of living and experiencing life right back at them. what if the person they choose to love ends up hating them? That would be heart breaking beyond reason. The real advantage of the situation is that it doesn't waste time when you commit to an emotion. if you just go on liking someone and they continue to like you, then you could both be polite for years, never experiencing all the great extreme emotions we are capable of experiencing as humans.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I may be ready to love finally. I'm sick of being adored from a distance, liked plenty, but not loved by the man I am choosing to give all my love to. I adore him with a passion and I have for some time. Since the moment i met him, in fact. Oh, and yes, I do remember that moment like it was yesterday. The first half hour I spent in his life was probably the longest half hour I can remember as clear as i do. It amazes me in fact that he seems to remember that evening more clearly than I do. That says one main thing about me: I surely do have a terrible memory, his certainly isn't very good. He barely remembers all the good times we spent at my old apartment though it was a little bit shy of two years ago.
I feel like I am losing myself here in my thoughts.
I just do not want to wilt away anymore. I am at my lowest and it is all because of him stringing me along through his life on no certain terms at all. I want to be his and if he won't have me, I'll forget this silly desire for something that must be unattainable, this desire for the probably fictional "Love."
It's not like there isn't someone else who wants me. I need him to be honest with me before I lose even that back up chance for something that is at least more stable than being alone. I refuse to be alone.
I'm going crazy in my home. Absolutely crazy. I get up, shower, make breakfast, sweep, mop my floors, clean my yard, make my bed, make dinner, make dessert even, share it with him after he comes home to me from work, and fall asleep beside a man who i adore as we watch a movie he has most likely suggested or forced because my rights to get assistance from him are limited due to the fact that I do not have a job anymore, even though I pay the rent, buy most of the food, and prepare it for both of us.
I need a job.
But I guess I will settle for getting horribly drunk this evening and collapsing in a freshly made bed beside the one I love with our puppy sleeping between us or at our feet. Of course he would say, my puppy, not his, but seeing as the puppy loves him more than me, since he got the puppy from his friend, I will continue to call that little girl his puppy as well. My little Lily, my little flower incapable of wilting.
If I could fall into apathy I would be thrilled. Lol.. Now that is a clear contradiction. Well I guess instead, I would be... better than I am now. I wouldn't have to be afraid of loving someone for fear of them not loving me back. I wouldn't be ashamed of myself giving in to him as he unjustly forces me to be his adoring girl without being compensated by him with at least a kiss or sign that he adores me right back. I'm not looking for a physical compensation, just some reassurance that he deserves my love, that his love is worth me sticking around. Or rather, letting him stick around. I do not want to hold out for a chance to make a relationship with him if it is just going to fail. *sigh* That is not at all how I feel. I will wait around forever, waste my life, waiting for just a chance with him. I just wanted to pretend I was strong for a moment so that I may convince myself and make it truth. But it appears to be impossible.
"My best judgment signed it's recognition." -Death Cab For Cutie, "title track" off "We have the facts..."
Comments: Write A Song.

[26 Jan 2010|09:54pm]
I hate eating dinner alone.
Comments: Write A Song.

Twilight [25 Jan 2010|04:07am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

"I'm already somebody's baby" - Elliott Smith, Twilight
I keep thinking of this song. I'm in tears and I did not have anyone to talk to for once. I am in a desperate sort of moods and I have been this way for a whole week now. I am about to become homeless again I think. I do not know if I can stand sleeping in my car again, crying for someone to call me over. I used to wait for Isaiah to text me around ten pm so that I could stay with him, and watch him play Killzone until two am. I miss those days so much. Things are slowly falling apart and I can't seem to figure out what I am suppose to do.
I am single. I have been for almost two years and even though I dream of getting married one day and possibly having children, I have absolutely no interest in anyone who looks my way. The thought of someone kissing me disgusts me. I cannot imagine my arms around anyone else, my hands holding anyone else's, nor rooting for anyone else as they play other people in fighting games like Guilty Gear, Brawl, or Street Fighter or playing Killzone or Call of Duty. I get so excited even though it is a silly thing. I am filled with pride being able to be a part of his life, his interests. I know, with all my heart, he will never ask me to be his girl. He'll string me along throughout the week and go home on the weekends, leaving me alone with the puppy he bought me who misses him just as much as me.
I watched a video of me dancing with him at my old apartment and I was amazed. I saw happiness so clearly. Everyone must have known I loved this man. It was so apparent that I no longer fear letting the world know how I feel for him. Clearly, all they would have to do is look at my face when I'm in his arms and they'll know I am in love with a man who is terrified to love me back. He looked so happy and yet he remembers nothing, he says, about those many evenings we spent, me wanting desperately for him to notice I loved him to make things easier on me.
I am single. Still. Because of this, I know he will never ask me to be his baby. Yet I look at others and think I am his baby. There is someone else. He is an amazing person and he wants me. I am uncertain of the terms though. Maybe he wants me only for an evening or to regularly pass time with. I do not know. That is not even the point. I doubt anything would happen with him. He doesn't appear to be my type if I had a type. :) I came here today even though I know no one reads this, maybe because no one reads this, because I had to share these thoughts with someone, something.
Isaiah has become the best friend that I have and I talk to him about everything. However, the topic of our "relationship" is forbidden, always answered with, "I don't know what you're talking about."I know, very clearly, that I need to free myself of him since I do not think he'll want me as his girl. He has already made me his prisoner though. My passion for him would lead me anywhere he is. Lately though, I cannot see "it" on him anymore. After watching that old video and seeing the happiness on his face as he held me, I recognize that I no longer get that look. It was the look of happiness and the desire to never let it go. It was absolutely evident on his face that evening three months shy of two years ago.
So now I sit here on my floor typing to no one. He is so far away. I sleep alone again. I know exactly what I need to do. I also know it won't happen. He and I have plans to get savagely drunk tomorrow. "How long will you stay with me, baby?" (Elliott Smith, Twilight) I can tell you now exactly what will happen. I will hold onto him for as long as I can and I will forget anyone who tries to enjoy my presence. I will end up dedicating my life to him and possibly getting to the point where I will end up having no other possibilities for romance, no more chances. You know what else? I won't regret a thing. Because I still will have loved to the fullest and given all I have to give to only one man, never cheating on him ever. I will know that I at least did exactly what I wanted and never did I ask too much. I deserve him. He's the one who doesn't really deserve me. It will make me feel better about myself. These things I am saying (well, typing), are not great facts of life that are admirable, I recognize that, but it is fact and there is nothing I can do to change it. Or rather, there is nothing I am going to do to change it.
I'm really not afraid to be his prisoner. I love him to a fault. I know it is true. I know that it is not a good thing. But I just wonder, does happiness fade for everyone or is it just the nature of my "relationship" with him? He looked so happy, and I was so happy. I'm going to ask him tomorrow. I just do not know if I'll get the same response of, "I don't know what you're talking about." That's the only thing I do not think I could stand. I would rather him tell me if he doesn't want me anymore than to lie to me. He can keep me as one of his prisoners if he loves me, but not if he doesn't have feelings for me. I would rather take my chances with someone else and venture out of my home for possibilities even though it is my greatest dislike in the world. I never want to have to search for a lover. Which is why I am going to keep trying to make this work.
Ah, I better go to sleep now. I'll be anticipating two pm when he'll come home to me, his weekly home. I'll make him dinner and we'll drink as he plays Call of Duty. And I'll be his prisoner, cheering him on as I lay on him, holding him until he gets sick of me, the desperate girl in love with an artist.

Comments: Write A Song.

Elliott Smith - Twilight [25 Jan 2010|03:10am]
[ mood | sad ]

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying

She's a sight to see
She's good to me
I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing
And she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby

You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together

I'm nice to you
I could make it through
That you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile
If you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me, baby?

Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight

You're wonderful
And it's beautiful
But I'm already somebody's baby
And if I went with you
I'd disappoint you too
Well, I'm already somebody's baby
Already somebody's baby

Comments: Write A Song.

[29 Jun 2008|04:32pm]
i haven't grown up or changed, maybe that's my problem. someone, recently, told me that everyone changes. especially around my age, if not sooner. i cannot help but believe them because i have been going through too much unhappiness, me changing is the only thing that could possibly make me better.
Comments: Write A Song.

[06 May 2008|02:32am]
"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad. Oh, it kills! ... I've got to focus. These hands are too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love." -Fiona Apple
Comments: Write A Song.

[06 May 2008|02:26am]
So many thoughts inside my head....
People I miss....
Brings me to tears thinking of why I....
I just can't sleep here...
I need to run away for a while. who would take me away though?
Or really, who would I let? Then, who will?
I have these desires....
And I can't seem to...
But I want....
And I can't have.

I just want something simple and I don't want to worry anymore about consequences.
Comments: Write A Song.

good morning [05 Apr 2008|10:04am]
[ mood | cold ]

I know I must be a geek, but I love the sound of Mandy Moore's voice. I love that soft sound, and the smooth singing. I don't know where that came from. I just made a playlist and the first handful of songs were hers.
I've been feeling like I should grow up. It's rather hard, though. Growing up requires so much of me. It's something that's absolutely heart-breaking, to be honest. To grow up... a person has to realize what is real and what is not. I love to live in fantasies. I remember waking up on a weekend, not having to work, and just sitting in bed, laying in bed, dreaming fantastic tales to drain away hours at a time. I would spend two and a half hours just imagining a life that wasn't mine but "would be" when I grew up. I always had so much expectations for myself when I grew up. I think I'm letting myself down because there's no way I could live out any of those thoughts. There's no way I'll ever have these small dreams acheived. All the grand gestures... will never happen to me in any form. You know, I'm not sure if I can live without romance. But I would rather die than do what my heart wants. As much as I would love some sort of excitement; I'll stay. I can't make it through any more disruptions.
I think if I plan on really following though, I'll never be truely happy again. Nor would I be sad though. That is what's appealing to me. I think I'll try it. If it doesn't fly, then wish me luck to live my life forever on a roller coaster of pain. I don't think it'll ever get better.
I don't know what else to do. I can't be unhappy.

Comments: Write A Song.

[29 Mar 2008|11:53pm]
i think im still that person. its hard to tell. i think im excited. its hard to tell. i dont know how i feel half the time. but tomorrow is our gathering for our housewarming. yippee. thats all.
Comments: Write A Song.

Change? Is this really progress? [20 Aug 2007|09:51pm]
[ mood | calm ]

So much happens too quickly, except all that matters most to me. And no, I do not wish to go further on that train of thought.
I'm not sure if anyone really knows where my life has taken me. I've been having a bit of trouble focusing on school because I get so lonely by myself. I'm a man-made social creature. I never was this way, but now that I've turned, there's no going back. I blame my failures in school on those teachers which wanted me to come out of my shell, on those persons in my life who told me, trained me to believe that it was best for me to be social. If anything, it is the reason why my once deep desire to learn things from school has now died.
I'm not really blaming anyone but myself for all my failures. It simply makes me feel better, and that is the reason I have always escaped to the journal. I've only just begun to break the surface on why I allowed myself to be hidden from others, why I hid in the journals. I felt like there was a constant battle between the person who wrote to hide and the one who tried to make it out on her own in a world of people who break hearts. So many times, against my better judgement, I would flee. It's only now that I see that there is a healthier way to be. A stronger way to be. I am capable of having my two selves coexist in this world where I hid. I just have to stop using it as a place to hide.
I keep talking about my failures in life, however, I do not really believe that my life is a failure. I am proud of my accomplishments, though they may seem small and insignificant to people who are more educated than me.
To be perfectly honest, that is one thing I always hated. I hated the idea of me not being as "smart" or educated as those I know and love, or even those I hate. I have always tried my best to know everything. But I failed to keep strong in that world and decided to leave that place before I made things worse. If no one understands what I mean, then I feel better. I've always been a fan of speaking in code so that I could hide. But I'm not trying to hide. I realize I cannot hide from myself.
I suppose I am successful. I am the store manager of my job (not career), and I am actually currently running two stores. I feel proud when I look at both of my stores, and I really wish this were not temporary. I don't want to leave my store. I created an attachment to both stores. Even to the people. Even to the people who I know dislike me. That is the hardest consequence to being the store manager that I had to get used to. I HATE when people dislike me. They think I'm mean just because I'm strict and follow policies I believe in. They think I'm unfair because they do not think of the consequences of their actions. They do not know me, nor will most of them ever get that chance because that is the fate of our positions, never to cross.
One thing that must be said. I love to work. It is the way I create art. And no, I do not wish to expand on that subject. Good night all who still identify me as a friend. I will forever be yours, even if you don't think I am.

Comments: Write A Song.

"I Love You" [14 Feb 2007|01:17am]
[ mood | sick ]

I feel so sad. I don't know why or where it came from. I'm sitting at David's computer now extremely bored, just waiting for him to take me home... I just wanted to say one random thing though. I hate Valentine's day. I don't see the purpose of it. I don't feel even more compelled to say "I Love You!" to anyone. It's just another day. It doesn't mean I don't love or that if I forget to mention I love you to David that he'll some how love me less. He knows how I feel for him. Why do I have to tell him today? He needs no reminding. I just don't like feeling forced to say something. I'll say it at 11:59 on the 13th of Feb or at 12:01 on the 15th, but no time on the 14th will you hear me utter those words. No sir. I refuse to further demean that phrase by saying it on cue on the 14th of Feb. I would much rather say it whenever I feel an outburst of it, when I truely need to, when I want him to hear exactly how I feel and those are the only words I own in my vocabulary to say it. That is the only time "I Love You" should be heard.

Comments: Write A Song.

"I have a feeling I could be someone...." [07 Jan 2006|07:57pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

It's been so long it seems. I've been so busy. work. work. and more work. today, i have spent almost all day home. it feels strange to me because i cannot remember the last day i spent so much time at home. even when i get a day off, i'm not usually home. and when i get off work, i don't always go home. i felt like a stranger in my house today. i tried taking my time to reacquaint myself with the walls and relax in the soothing darkness, but then my brother showed up and the whole atmosphere was disturbed with his complaints about the lack of light. apparently, he likes to see when he's here. i prefer allowing the darkness to take over. i don't care for artificial light. if there is going to be any sort of illumination, it should be by the sun, by fire, or by candles. i'll allow candles. i am so tired. i don't even know what i'm writing.
i feel bad. i've been neglecting my journal. time doesn't seem to allow me to do all that i want to do. there's not enough hours in the days... or maybe not enough time in a second. it's strange too. i feel like i wish that time would slow so that i can do more, but i keep wishing for time to speed, s that i can just get everything over with. i want to be older so that i don't have to witness everything, all the painful moments that take my tears and all the little things which i feel to be a waste. i would still like my memories, but i don't want to have to face everything.
the good moments i don't mind. i like time to stay with me then....
i did get out of the house today, though. i went to costco and the mall. i don't even know why i went. i served no purpose. i also took oreo to the vet finally. my poor baby kitten had to get his yearly shots. he was terrified too. he wouldn't come out of his box. poor thing. he's sleeping soundly now...
i do have two fond memories to keep with me which i experienced today....
one.... i saw the most beautiful orchid today. it was at the store. i wanted so badly to find the strongest looking one and take it in my arms and keep it. unfortuently, for... ugh... monetary reasons, i had to leave it behind. flowers can be quite expensive. but their beauty can be overwhelming. i keep thinking of this white orchid.... orchids are so beautiful because they look strong. so strong that they almost look fake... i wish i were an orchid. strong and beautiful. sometimes i just feel like melting... melting from embaressment... almost like Amelie. i'm afraid all the people around me are going to see that i'm so weak and i cry so easily. i feel... so stupid. all the time. then i feel ashamed for my constant... need of... emotional support... and... love. and everything else. it's just that life can be so overwhelming sometimes. and i feel like i am keeping everything in because i haven't been writing lately. it stays with me and when i finally let a little bit out, if i give out too much, i'll just crumble. it'll all fall. everything i have together was built on something so... weak. it's the foundation. it's all fake. there's so little in my life that i believe in, that i know is for sure. and i guess that's how a lot of people feel. and that's pretty much what life is... a whole bunch of uncertainty... fears... and hopes. there's a lot of weakness too. we just have to keep strong. and i don't think i have that in me. i think i need a vacation from my life. i need to get away. do nothing. no school. no work. relaxation. that's never going to happen unless i end up in the hospital. and even then worry would just eat away at me because i wasn't making enough money to pay for my car and rent... and eveything else. i just feel like i'm falling apart and it's so hard to remember all the good things. i just need a constant reminder, something i can look at and feel. something that will make me feel okay again. or a song, maybe. maybe a song i could hear. a magical song which will soothe me.
two... my christmas tree. a tragic ending it had to it's life... a sad sight which broke my heart... i saw it there... on the floor of the alley behind my yard... it was so bare and lonely. so sad... so alone. and when i came home, a car was parked right on top of my tree! can you believe someone had the audacity to run over the tree which was the home to all of my holiday spirit. it was the reason i felt warmth when i sat in my front room, when i looked at it. and a car just ran right over it as if it were just an insignificant thing. how demeaning....
i think i'm slowly going crazy. i've begun to feel... stupidly feminine. it's sickening me. i want to be taken care of... i want to be showered with gifts... i want stupid things that i don't want to want. i want flowers that will just wilt and die... i feel so ridiculous. i didn't want anything before. It's all Gina's fault really. she got mad at David for not giving me a Christmas present. i was fine with it. I told him not to buy me anything. and Gina was mad. I laughed it off, but she said she would never accept him for this and that and stupid little things like that. I didn't see it as a big deal. and then... at the last minute... i found myself... coveting... i was watching tv... and i saw the romance in gift giving and the stupid smiles on everyone's faces when they got something little that they kinda wanted just because someone remembered that they liked it... or something equally lame. and i guess, i don't even need it... but i wanted it at the last minute and i made myself feel unhappy. it's everyone else's fault. they put too much importance on gifts. little things like that. i never did. i've always just hated it because i never had it. i just thought, how lame! i'm not missing anything. and now i feel bitter and stupid. i don't think i'll ever know what i want. i feel like deleting this entry. i need to buy myself a flower that'll solve the problem.
oh. did i mention that someone i work with gave me this adorable little penguin. after watching madagascar and march of the penguins, i have been feeling rather symphathetic to the penguin. they look cute and cuddly. David thinks that he likes me because he gave me a gift and for other little reasons. hee hee. I hope not. but then again... i do wish he did. it's nice to feel wanted. but, for his sake, i hope he doesn't. it really is an honor, though, to be cared for. to be wanted. to be loved. i never really thought about it. Sure, I've always wanted to be liked, but i never thought about what it means to truely be desired. I never knew it. Wow. I sound pathetic, but bear with me, please. it's a big responsibility to hold someone else's heart in your hands. you have to know what you're doing. know the person well enough not to hold on too tight. know your limits. theirs. know how to care. before now, love and like were just myths i read about or heard sung about. they were just as good as fairy tales. i didn't actually expect them to exist. I just sort of thought that it would be nice if they were real, so i wanted them, like eveyone else.
imagine an abandoned love. those desired only on one side. i have felt many of those. i was the one who gave my heart and no one wanted it. if that were all you knew, then, you can truely appreciate when it is to be wanted. you know the pain of wanting. you know the honor now, to be on the recieving end. i guess i had never really though about it before.

i'm tired of being the ocean now. i want to be the fire.

i need to dance now, in the comfort of my own home... in my living room....


Comments: Write A Song.

[22 Sep 2005|12:37am]
I have been living in a poetic non-reality lately. I cannot seem to focus on anything that displeases me. Which I suppose I am enjoying now because I was feeling unhappy focusing on those things yesterday.
"If you're cold, I'll keep you warm. If you're low, just hold on. Cause I will be your safety." - Dido
OMG!!! I was rereading some of my old journal entrie and I found this:
Everyone must see this again! It's Oreo when he was a baby kitten with baby Simba - the Hayley-monster's cat!! They're kind of blurry, but they still look clear enough to see how small and cute they were.

"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad. Oh, it kills! Cause I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up. I've got to focus. These hands are too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love." -Fiona Apple
I am glad I do not have to starve.

I think that may be it for tonight...
Comments: 1 Written Song - Write A Song.

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