"I'm already somebody's baby" - Elliott Smith, Twilight
I keep thinking of this song. I'm in tears and I did not have anyone to talk to for once. I am in a desperate sort of moods and I have been this way for a whole week now. I am about to become homeless again I think. I do not know if I can stand sleeping in my car again, crying for someone to call me over. I used to wait for Isaiah to text me around ten pm so that I could stay with him, and watch him play Killzone until two am. I miss those days so much. Things are slowly falling apart and I can't seem to figure out what I am suppose to do.
I am single. I have been for almost two years and even though I dream of getting married one day and possibly having children, I have absolutely no interest in anyone who looks my way. The thought of someone kissing me disgusts me. I cannot imagine my arms around anyone else, my hands holding anyone else's, nor rooting for anyone else as they play other people in fighting games like Guilty Gear, Brawl, or Street Fighter or playing Killzone or Call of Duty. I get so excited even though it is a silly thing. I am filled with pride being able to be a part of his life, his interests. I know, with all my heart, he will never ask me to be his girl. He'll string me along throughout the week and go home on the weekends, leaving me alone with the puppy he bought me who misses him just as much as me.
I watched a video of me dancing with him at my old apartment and I was amazed. I saw happiness so clearly. Everyone must have known I loved this man. It was so apparent that I no longer fear letting the world know how I feel for him. Clearly, all they would have to do is look at my face when I'm in his arms and they'll know I am in love with a man who is terrified to love me back. He looked so happy and yet he remembers nothing, he says, about those many evenings we spent, me wanting desperately for him to notice I loved him to make things easier on me.
I am single. Still. Because of this, I know he will never ask me to be his baby. Yet I look at others and think I am his baby. There is someone else. He is an amazing person and he wants me. I am uncertain of the terms though. Maybe he wants me only for an evening or to regularly pass time with. I do not know. That is not even the point. I doubt anything would happen with him. He doesn't appear to be my type if I had a type. :) I came here today even though I know no one reads this, maybe because no one reads this, because I had to share these thoughts with someone, something.
Isaiah has become the best friend that I have and I talk to him about everything. However, the topic of our "relationship" is forbidden, always answered with, "I don't know what you're talking about."I know, very clearly, that I need to free myself of him since I do not think he'll want me as his girl. He has already made me his prisoner though. My passion for him would lead me anywhere he is. Lately though, I cannot see "it" on him anymore. After watching that old video and seeing the happiness on his face as he held me, I recognize that I no longer get that look. It was the look of happiness and the desire to never let it go. It was absolutely evident on his face that evening three months shy of two years ago.
So now I sit here on my floor typing to no one. He is so far away. I sleep alone again. I know exactly what I need to do. I also know it won't happen. He and I have plans to get savagely drunk tomorrow. "How long will you stay with me, baby?" (Elliott Smith, Twilight) I can tell you now exactly what will happen. I will hold onto him for as long as I can and I will forget anyone who tries to enjoy my presence. I will end up dedicating my life to him and possibly getting to the point where I will end up having no other possibilities for romance, no more chances. You know what else? I won't regret a thing. Because I still will have loved to the fullest and given all I have to give to only one man, never cheating on him ever. I will know that I at least did exactly what I wanted and never did I ask too much. I deserve him. He's the one who doesn't really deserve me. It will make me feel better about myself. These things I am saying (well, typing), are not great facts of life that are admirable, I recognize that, but it is fact and there is nothing I can do to change it. Or rather, there is nothing I am going to do to change it.
I'm really not afraid to be his prisoner. I love him to a fault. I know it is true. I know that it is not a good thing. But I just wonder, does happiness fade for everyone or is it just the nature of my "relationship" with him? He looked so happy, and I was so happy. I'm going to ask him tomorrow. I just do not know if I'll get the same response of, "I don't know what you're talking about." That's the only thing I do not think I could stand. I would rather him tell me if he doesn't want me anymore than to lie to me. He can keep me as one of his prisoners if he loves me, but not if he doesn't have feelings for me. I would rather take my chances with someone else and venture out of my home for possibilities even though it is my greatest dislike in the world. I never want to have to search for a lover. Which is why I am going to keep trying to make this work.
Ah, I better go to sleep now. I'll be anticipating two pm when he'll come home to me, his weekly home. I'll make him dinner and we'll drink as he plays Call of Duty. And I'll be his prisoner, cheering him on as I lay on him, holding him until he gets sick of me, the desperate girl in love with an artist.