A Wallflower Girl (princessmu5ic) wrote,
A Wallflower Girl

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"I have a feeling I could be someone...."

It's been so long it seems. I've been so busy. work. work. and more work. today, i have spent almost all day home. it feels strange to me because i cannot remember the last day i spent so much time at home. even when i get a day off, i'm not usually home. and when i get off work, i don't always go home. i felt like a stranger in my house today. i tried taking my time to reacquaint myself with the walls and relax in the soothing darkness, but then my brother showed up and the whole atmosphere was disturbed with his complaints about the lack of light. apparently, he likes to see when he's here. i prefer allowing the darkness to take over. i don't care for artificial light. if there is going to be any sort of illumination, it should be by the sun, by fire, or by candles. i'll allow candles. i am so tired. i don't even know what i'm writing.
i feel bad. i've been neglecting my journal. time doesn't seem to allow me to do all that i want to do. there's not enough hours in the days... or maybe not enough time in a second. it's strange too. i feel like i wish that time would slow so that i can do more, but i keep wishing for time to speed, s that i can just get everything over with. i want to be older so that i don't have to witness everything, all the painful moments that take my tears and all the little things which i feel to be a waste. i would still like my memories, but i don't want to have to face everything.
the good moments i don't mind. i like time to stay with me then....
i did get out of the house today, though. i went to costco and the mall. i don't even know why i went. i served no purpose. i also took oreo to the vet finally. my poor baby kitten had to get his yearly shots. he was terrified too. he wouldn't come out of his box. poor thing. he's sleeping soundly now...
i do have two fond memories to keep with me which i experienced today....
one.... i saw the most beautiful orchid today. it was at the store. i wanted so badly to find the strongest looking one and take it in my arms and keep it. unfortuently, for... ugh... monetary reasons, i had to leave it behind. flowers can be quite expensive. but their beauty can be overwhelming. i keep thinking of this white orchid.... orchids are so beautiful because they look strong. so strong that they almost look fake... i wish i were an orchid. strong and beautiful. sometimes i just feel like melting... melting from embaressment... almost like Amelie. i'm afraid all the people around me are going to see that i'm so weak and i cry so easily. i feel... so stupid. all the time. then i feel ashamed for my constant... need of... emotional support... and... love. and everything else. it's just that life can be so overwhelming sometimes. and i feel like i am keeping everything in because i haven't been writing lately. it stays with me and when i finally let a little bit out, if i give out too much, i'll just crumble. it'll all fall. everything i have together was built on something so... weak. it's the foundation. it's all fake. there's so little in my life that i believe in, that i know is for sure. and i guess that's how a lot of people feel. and that's pretty much what life is... a whole bunch of uncertainty... fears... and hopes. there's a lot of weakness too. we just have to keep strong. and i don't think i have that in me. i think i need a vacation from my life. i need to get away. do nothing. no school. no work. relaxation. that's never going to happen unless i end up in the hospital. and even then worry would just eat away at me because i wasn't making enough money to pay for my car and rent... and eveything else. i just feel like i'm falling apart and it's so hard to remember all the good things. i just need a constant reminder, something i can look at and feel. something that will make me feel okay again. or a song, maybe. maybe a song i could hear. a magical song which will soothe me.
two... my christmas tree. a tragic ending it had to it's life... a sad sight which broke my heart... i saw it there... on the floor of the alley behind my yard... it was so bare and lonely. so sad... so alone. and when i came home, a car was parked right on top of my tree! can you believe someone had the audacity to run over the tree which was the home to all of my holiday spirit. it was the reason i felt warmth when i sat in my front room, when i looked at it. and a car just ran right over it as if it were just an insignificant thing. how demeaning....
i think i'm slowly going crazy. i've begun to feel... stupidly feminine. it's sickening me. i want to be taken care of... i want to be showered with gifts... i want stupid things that i don't want to want. i want flowers that will just wilt and die... i feel so ridiculous. i didn't want anything before. It's all Gina's fault really. she got mad at David for not giving me a Christmas present. i was fine with it. I told him not to buy me anything. and Gina was mad. I laughed it off, but she said she would never accept him for this and that and stupid little things like that. I didn't see it as a big deal. and then... at the last minute... i found myself... coveting... i was watching tv... and i saw the romance in gift giving and the stupid smiles on everyone's faces when they got something little that they kinda wanted just because someone remembered that they liked it... or something equally lame. and i guess, i don't even need it... but i wanted it at the last minute and i made myself feel unhappy. it's everyone else's fault. they put too much importance on gifts. little things like that. i never did. i've always just hated it because i never had it. i just thought, how lame! i'm not missing anything. and now i feel bitter and stupid. i don't think i'll ever know what i want. i feel like deleting this entry. i need to buy myself a flower that'll solve the problem.
oh. did i mention that someone i work with gave me this adorable little penguin. after watching madagascar and march of the penguins, i have been feeling rather symphathetic to the penguin. they look cute and cuddly. David thinks that he likes me because he gave me a gift and for other little reasons. hee hee. I hope not. but then again... i do wish he did. it's nice to feel wanted. but, for his sake, i hope he doesn't. it really is an honor, though, to be cared for. to be wanted. to be loved. i never really thought about it. Sure, I've always wanted to be liked, but i never thought about what it means to truely be desired. I never knew it. Wow. I sound pathetic, but bear with me, please. it's a big responsibility to hold someone else's heart in your hands. you have to know what you're doing. know the person well enough not to hold on too tight. know your limits. theirs. know how to care. before now, love and like were just myths i read about or heard sung about. they were just as good as fairy tales. i didn't actually expect them to exist. I just sort of thought that it would be nice if they were real, so i wanted them, like eveyone else.
imagine an abandoned love. those desired only on one side. i have felt many of those. i was the one who gave my heart and no one wanted it. if that were all you knew, then, you can truely appreciate when it is to be wanted. you know the pain of wanting. you know the honor now, to be on the recieving end. i guess i had never really though about it before.

i'm tired of being the ocean now. i want to be the fire.

i need to dance now, in the comfort of my own home... in my living room....

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