I am sad, still. I have little faith that I will ever be happy again. That's not to say I don't have moments of peace. I do sometimes. I just haven't felt very good for the last the months. Well, since September began, that is. It kills me how no one notices. But I try really hard so that they don't notice so I shouldn't really be surprised. I feel like a part of me has disappeared. I have forgotten who I was. I know that can't be good. I can't seem to figure out who I want to be. I have this problem. I am in love. I love him and I shouldn't. He does not love me back, but he sure cares about me. Great. He has said such hurtful things to me. He's great at doing that. The strange thing is, he can also be so sweet, it just baffles me. What is out there for me, I wonder? If not him, then what do I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? I am tired of waiting. I never want to search for it. I don't think I should have to. I think it should come to me and I should work with what I have. I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing too. I'm holding onto what I have and making the best of it. I guess since this appears to be fatal, I should probably move on and find a different attitude. I guess I'm not blind. I'm just stupid. I am holding the answer in my hands, but I just let it go. And that's what I'm going to do. Let it go. But not him.