A Wallflower Girl (princessmu5ic) wrote,
A Wallflower Girl

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Change? Is this really progress?

So much happens too quickly, except all that matters most to me. And no, I do not wish to go further on that train of thought.
I'm not sure if anyone really knows where my life has taken me. I've been having a bit of trouble focusing on school because I get so lonely by myself. I'm a man-made social creature. I never was this way, but now that I've turned, there's no going back. I blame my failures in school on those teachers which wanted me to come out of my shell, on those persons in my life who told me, trained me to believe that it was best for me to be social. If anything, it is the reason why my once deep desire to learn things from school has now died.
I'm not really blaming anyone but myself for all my failures. It simply makes me feel better, and that is the reason I have always escaped to the journal. I've only just begun to break the surface on why I allowed myself to be hidden from others, why I hid in the journals. I felt like there was a constant battle between the person who wrote to hide and the one who tried to make it out on her own in a world of people who break hearts. So many times, against my better judgement, I would flee. It's only now that I see that there is a healthier way to be. A stronger way to be. I am capable of having my two selves coexist in this world where I hid. I just have to stop using it as a place to hide.
I keep talking about my failures in life, however, I do not really believe that my life is a failure. I am proud of my accomplishments, though they may seem small and insignificant to people who are more educated than me.
To be perfectly honest, that is one thing I always hated. I hated the idea of me not being as "smart" or educated as those I know and love, or even those I hate. I have always tried my best to know everything. But I failed to keep strong in that world and decided to leave that place before I made things worse. If no one understands what I mean, then I feel better. I've always been a fan of speaking in code so that I could hide. But I'm not trying to hide. I realize I cannot hide from myself.
I suppose I am successful. I am the store manager of my job (not career), and I am actually currently running two stores. I feel proud when I look at both of my stores, and I really wish this were not temporary. I don't want to leave my store. I created an attachment to both stores. Even to the people. Even to the people who I know dislike me. That is the hardest consequence to being the store manager that I had to get used to. I HATE when people dislike me. They think I'm mean just because I'm strict and follow policies I believe in. They think I'm unfair because they do not think of the consequences of their actions. They do not know me, nor will most of them ever get that chance because that is the fate of our positions, never to cross.
One thing that must be said. I love to work. It is the way I create art. And no, I do not wish to expand on that subject. Good night all who still identify me as a friend. I will forever be yours, even if you don't think I am.
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