A Wallflower Girl (princessmu5ic) wrote,
A Wallflower Girl

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If I could fall into apathy I would be... Better.

I have high hopes for the evening. I am going to make some tasty dinner and drink the night away with my dear friend Isaiah. I believe he is having some friends or at least one friend over. That should be nice. I think I'll make some ribs that have been drowned in bbq sauce. yes. That sounds promising.
I do not know what to do with myself everyday. i really need to find a job. I am wasting away my days being lazy. That has never been my style. Heh... As if I really have a sort of style.
I have decided something today. I have decided that i disagree with the word "Like" and refuse to ever feel it again. I will only love or hate. Liking anything is a waste of time. It doesn't get anyone or anything anywhere. "Like" is for those incapable of committing to an emotional state. They're afraid of living and experiencing life right back at them. what if the person they choose to love ends up hating them? That would be heart breaking beyond reason. The real advantage of the situation is that it doesn't waste time when you commit to an emotion. if you just go on liking someone and they continue to like you, then you could both be polite for years, never experiencing all the great extreme emotions we are capable of experiencing as humans.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I may be ready to love finally. I'm sick of being adored from a distance, liked plenty, but not loved by the man I am choosing to give all my love to. I adore him with a passion and I have for some time. Since the moment i met him, in fact. Oh, and yes, I do remember that moment like it was yesterday. The first half hour I spent in his life was probably the longest half hour I can remember as clear as i do. It amazes me in fact that he seems to remember that evening more clearly than I do. That says one main thing about me: I surely do have a terrible memory, his certainly isn't very good. He barely remembers all the good times we spent at my old apartment though it was a little bit shy of two years ago.
I feel like I am losing myself here in my thoughts.
I just do not want to wilt away anymore. I am at my lowest and it is all because of him stringing me along through his life on no certain terms at all. I want to be his and if he won't have me, I'll forget this silly desire for something that must be unattainable, this desire for the probably fictional "Love."
It's not like there isn't someone else who wants me. I need him to be honest with me before I lose even that back up chance for something that is at least more stable than being alone. I refuse to be alone.
I'm going crazy in my home. Absolutely crazy. I get up, shower, make breakfast, sweep, mop my floors, clean my yard, make my bed, make dinner, make dessert even, share it with him after he comes home to me from work, and fall asleep beside a man who i adore as we watch a movie he has most likely suggested or forced because my rights to get assistance from him are limited due to the fact that I do not have a job anymore, even though I pay the rent, buy most of the food, and prepare it for both of us.
I need a job.
But I guess I will settle for getting horribly drunk this evening and collapsing in a freshly made bed beside the one I love with our puppy sleeping between us or at our feet. Of course he would say, my puppy, not his, but seeing as the puppy loves him more than me, since he got the puppy from his friend, I will continue to call that little girl his puppy as well. My little Lily, my little flower incapable of wilting.
If I could fall into apathy I would be thrilled. Lol.. Now that is a clear contradiction. Well I guess instead, I would be... better than I am now. I wouldn't have to be afraid of loving someone for fear of them not loving me back. I wouldn't be ashamed of myself giving in to him as he unjustly forces me to be his adoring girl without being compensated by him with at least a kiss or sign that he adores me right back. I'm not looking for a physical compensation, just some reassurance that he deserves my love, that his love is worth me sticking around. Or rather, letting him stick around. I do not want to hold out for a chance to make a relationship with him if it is just going to fail. *sigh* That is not at all how I feel. I will wait around forever, waste my life, waiting for just a chance with him. I just wanted to pretend I was strong for a moment so that I may convince myself and make it truth. But it appears to be impossible.
"My best judgment signed it's recognition." -Death Cab For Cutie, "title track" off "We have the facts..."
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